I am struggling with something that I don't feel knowledgable enough to name. Depression? Anxiety? A mixture of both? I've finally started counseling for the first time ever, (something I have wanted for a while but, for various reasons, never attained) and I look forward to being able to name whatever it is.

Regardless, I seem to be high-functioning enough that it doesn't actually hijack the rest of my life...not directly at least. Instead I am undercutting myself. I lack motivation at odd times. Not at all times. I lack energy, but not always. I feel victimized by everyone around me...but not every hour of every day.

I am lonely, almost always. Alone time isn't what it used to be.

Here's the thing. I am in grad school. I am MONTHS away from my MFA. I am so close. I also have built up several things, (mostly because of grad school), where I am accountable to others and they are, to some extent, counting on the work I do. In the state that I am in, this is a terrible time for others to be counting on me. I don't feel reliable, I don't feel trustworthy, and yet here I am begging everyone to see me as such.

Okay now here it goes: SHIFT!

I could keep going on and on about my inner turmoil. Maybe at the end of such a rant would come enlightenment. But here's the the thing...I haven't stopped self-examining towards negativity in a long time. It's all I do. So I'm going to focus on positive things. Hopeful things. The good things that are happening and could happen.

1. My boyfriend. I could keep pretending to the rest of the world that it's not a big deal, but this man is a huge deal to me. He makes me immensely happy and safe and valued.

2. My sisters. every time, without fail, when we hang out I am refreshed and loved and feel grounded. They are the bridge to my past and the anchor to my present.

3. My parents. They are an extreme source of inspiration. They are living their actual life-dream, they love each other in an unbelievable and yet achievable way, and us kids are still at the center of their thoughts every day.

4. My apartment. I have a great roommate. I have a lovely little room. It is close to campus and jobs and it has been a sanctuary for the past year and a half.

5. MY JOBS. I don't take enough time to remind myself of how fortunate I am in my jobs. To be in grad school and yet to have found several sources of income that "work" with my schedule. Two part time, and a several every-once-in-a-while gigs.

6. My health. I want to be healthier and I want to know more about the state of my body and mind, HOWEVER, I can say confidently that I am able-bodied, able-minded, and capable of reaching greater heights in health and wellness. That's awesome.

There's more. There's so much more. But I want to be able to focus on these extremely important things. I need to.

That's all.
-Gin

There is a man I know well. Let's call him Fred.

Fred is a writer and a professor and also a full-time doodler.

Let's start with his doodles. Whenever Fred finds himself sitting still, listening to others, he will, invariably, find himself a scrap of paper, one of his fine felt-tipped markers, and begin winding and twisting his way through one of his whimsical doodles.

He times himself in his head. Tries to finish these little playing-card-sized pieces of art before the end of a presentation, or a lecture, or a sermon. Sometimes he has enough time to add a second color to the mix. Often times he colors them in later when he finds another spare moment.

What do these doodles amount to? Not much in the waking world. They sit in his briefcase, on his office desk, scattered around his home computer. He doesn't like to show them and only rarely likes to talk about them. I think he's secretly proud of his little artworks and publicly ashamed of his pride.

Fred is a thousand things and more and capable of endless potential.

Sometimes I feel unsure as a creative person...then I think of Fred and his doodles and how they are just a tidbit of who and what he is. That's when I keep going.