Disappointment: Pushing Past

Yesterday in Adler Technique class, eight of us got up and performed "The Gift" exercise. We were each given another being (for most of us a person, and for one girl a pet!) and we had to come up with a gift to give to that person. It could be anything. But we had to be prepared to paint a picture of it using only words.

Now, some of my classmates were given some hefty material. One guy had to give a gift to a best who wasn't waking up from a coma. Another gal was giving a gift to her father who had sexually abused her as a child. Someone had a pet, another had a wife of several years etc....

I was to give a gift to the love of my life/boyfriend who had cheated on me with my best friend.

Now, as I hope you've guessed, these are all fictional subjects...but with the work we've done in class, all of us understood that we would only move our audience if our work was grounded in truth. This doesn't mean I had to go immerse myself in an unfaithful relationship....instead I drew on any experiences I had. People I HAVE loved. My best friends. Being hurt. Being lifted up.

I AM every bit as narcissistic as this picture would suggest
...but let's just call this a moment of healthy self-reflection :o 

I loved that we were "painting" as our teacher put it. It was an excellent way for my brain to connect with the action. My prep work was much like any artist's preparation. I searched the "drawers" of my past and came up with any materials that may be useful.

Now, the Adler Technique tells us to use our Past, but more-so our Imagination. This "Gift" exercise was primarily to delve into our imaginations.

So I stood there; with seven other people who I've grown very fond of over the last month. We stood up straight, stared at the back wall, and performed one by one, and sometimes altogether in a confused clamor of voices.

It was hard for me. Hard to concentrate on my imaginary boyfriend while my real life friend to the right of me wept and wept over his best friend's demise.

It was hard to paint a vivid picture of the candle-house I was trying so hard to describe. Harder still to explain to "the love of my life" that I was giving it to him because I had given up.

By the end of the exercise, there were not many dried eyes in that room. I was perfectly collected. Outwardly. On the inside, I was upset with my performance. I was confused. Had I done it right? Wasn't I meant to feel better about it? Did I move anyone with my performance? How could I have done well, when my brain was flitting about from the back wall to the person in front of me, to the teacher, then back to the gift I was describing?

I left classes yesterday terribly disgruntled.

I sketched the images that today's group described for us
....these were the eight gifts given today.

Today, after watching the remaining eight share their gifts, (this time two girls had to give gifts to still-born children), I finally realized I had to make peace with my performance. Address it, certainly, but not become stuck in this state of anger and disappointment.

I told my teacher how very unhappy I had been with my performance and he looked confused, "You did very good work, I don't know what you're talking about"

There aren't many people as brutally honest as that man, so I accepted that gratefully. It doesn't change how I felt immediately after my work...but it certainly gave me a healthier perspective as I look deeper into my creative process.